Firstly, let me just announce again, here, in case you haven’t read it or heard it elsewhere previously, that NASA have discovered evidence of alien life.
Take a deep breath. Let that sink in.
As Douglas Adams said, DON’T PANIC but the answer it turns out isn’t 42, it’s something slightly more like this…
Captain James Tiberius Kirk, many of you will have heard of this fictitious character from the popular television show Star Trek.
He flies around in space commanding a crew of people of various nationalities, races, genders and planets of origin on the starship Enterprise. It’s a big shiny magic metal bus basically.
It’s an odd shape for a bus, granted, but I am still calling it a bus, because it is a form of transport for the mass carriage of commuters from one place to another.
We will go into what union the driver of this bus is in later, in a different story.
Anyway, this Captain Kirk geezer, he lands on another planet, where handily the indigenous people also breathe the same sort of air as him, are the same shape and size, and quite possibly are intelligent enough to be able to communicate with him.
In one typical episode, he comes across a stunningly attractive female indigenous person on one of these planets, she’s scantily clad and quite friendly towards him.
What does he do?
Does he fall to his knees and worship this wonderful friendly beautiful sexy woman?
Does he give her a bunch of flowers, or a box of chocolates?
No! He has an argument with her, slaps her round the face, which is common assault on any planet, not just Earth but every other planet, he does this horrible nasty thing to her then he sexually molests her, quite openly in public, as if it is his God-given right to do exactly what he pleases, regardless of what she might want, and with absolutely no regard whatsoever for the wishes of anyone else.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I for one think there is something seriously wrong with this scenario.
Captain James Tiberius Kirk, I hereby formally charge you for the crimes of common assault, sexual molestatation, oh and we don’t know how old this person is, she might well be under the age of consent on this planet, so I am charging you with being a paedophile, if later it turns out she wasn’t underage then you will get away with that one, er is there anything else? You had a broken tail light, that’s a further fine of fifty space dollars.
You get my drift? He’s a criminal. A fucking nonce. When he gets banged up in space prison, he’s going to get his fucking head kicked in, the dirty pervert.
Well, as it turns out, no he won’t actually get his head kicked in.
He won’t get put in prison at all in fact.
Because these friendly wonderful aliens on other planets, on the dark side of the moon and in big shiny magic metal self aware artificially hyper intelligent spaceships with fabulous names that house billions of really cool people of all shapes and sizes who take really great drugs and have mind blowing sex, they’re not vindictive, petty small-minded cunts like him, they’re enlightened.
They’re open minded, they’re Lefty liberals.
In fact, no, most of them are Anarchists if they are anything at all like any of the political belief systems on Earth.
The average magic space ship is an Autonomous Collective.
Most of the people in what we call the Milky Way Galaxy are Anarchists.
There’s no need for money, or hierarchy, or anyone being more important or having more of anything than anyone else, there’s no need for any of that, because they, or rather we, for we and they are one, have abundant free energy and a lot of really advanced technology.
Most of us are really cool and relaxed and creative and friendly and caring and sharing types. A bunch of hippies really. Very nice people.
If you think I have just told you a science fiction story, that you have read before in Iain M. Bank’s Culture novels, or just about any other cool book, then yeah, fine, if you are not ready to receive this information, that is totally 100% okay.
Nobody from space is going to come and land on Earth and molest you or hit you over the head with a big stick, or zap you with a laser or kill you with a disease or hurt you in any way whatsoever.
That’s all stupid shit that the convicted criminal James Tiberius fucking Kirk did, and all his cronies in ridiculous small-minded petty paternalistic rapist fiction.
Oh and while I am on the subject of rapists, I would like to hereby formally declare that I have been told by friendly aliens telepathically in my dreams, that the nasty horrible person a lot of you know as The Pope, who you might think is friendly and magic and shiny and really nice, is in actual fact a Devil worshipper, who rapes and murders little babies in the basement of the Vatican, while various members of the so-called Global Elite stand around wanking.
That is a really fucking nasty idea, and I am very sorry to have been the person who put it into your head, like as if I have a magic spoon, and I have personally prized open your skull and inserted notions in there against your will, I truly am very sorry about that, as I truly am very sorry about a lot of things that I have done, and other members of the human race have done, to each other and to all the other innocent creatures throughout the course of history.
It’s not just Catholicism that is nasty and evil and weird and horrible, Islam is as well, and so is Judaism. Any religious belief system that has as a basic requirement the supposed need to surgically alter little baby children’s genitals so that they do not naturally enjoy sexual intercourse as adults, is fundamentally evil.
I baptized myself this morning. I ran a bath last night, and let the water go cold.
This morning I climbed into that bath of cold water, something I have never previously dreamed of doing ever before in my entire life, and baptized myself, sort of, I don’t know exactly what the ritual is supposed to be, so I made up one of my own and washed my genitals, absolving myself of the sins of wanking for the wrong reasons and thinking of horrible things in the past whilst wanking and having sexual intercourse with consenting adults.
I won’t tell you what those things were, but I will say they were not nearly as bad as some of the things I have heard from other people’s confessions.
Last night I went out and donated all the meat and fish out of my fridge and freezer and kitchen cupboard, to charity. I left it in two plastic bags outside my nearest local charity shop in the middle of the night, for whoever wants it to do whatever they want with.
This morning I awoke and made myself a cup of tea, with milk because I like milk and although I am sorry about how the dairy cow that provided it to me is treated, I do not wish for that milk to go to waste and for that cow to have suffered in vain.
I might not buy any more milk ever again. I haven’t decided yet if I am going to be a total vegan, but I am definitely going to be a vegetarian from now on.
I am not telling you to do any of this, you do whatever you like, but I will ask you to please not hurt anybody including yourself and everybody else.
Please don’t nail me to a tree to make yourself feel better.
Please don’t nail me to a tree, then in a couple of hundred years, start making little tiny effigies of me, and wearing these evil nasty bad wicked magic things as jewellery, and then write a book about what a nice bloke I was, and then travel to other planets in polluting badly designed space ships with hierarchical crew arrangements, and attack the indigenous people of those planets and give them diseases and rape their women and kill and eat their children, and then enslave and force the survivors to worship the little tiny shiny bad evil magic effigies of me.
Please don’t even think for one second of doing any of that.
Please be very nice.
Smile, take drugs if it makes you happy, dance, listen to and make music of your own. Draw and paint pictures. Make sculptures. Invent useful things that improve people’s lives and do not cause cancer. Learn new things.
Throw away your televisions, or better yet, recycle them and melt down the plastic and turn it into oil and use that to heat some pensioners houses.
Try reading the works of visionary inventors like Nikola Tesla and R. Buckmister Fuller.
Go to University and learn Astrophysics.
Attempt to wrap your mind around the concept that THE NEWS is actually just a really small selection of global events that a cabal of approximately five evil billionaire media barons have sat around an expensive luxury shiny table in a fabulously well decorated room somewhere most likely up a mountain or deep underground, and decided that is what they want you to concentrate all your attention and thoughts on for the next five minutes or half an hour or day or week or year or whatever.
The same goes for fashion and beauty and glamour and celebrity.
These are evil people’s ideas that they want you to think about.
They are manipulating your minds through advertising, and product placement, and subliminal advertising, and signs and symbols, and religion.
They are telling you what to do.
They want you to think you cannot change anything, and the only things that are possible are the things they tell you, and you are not allowed to do this or that or love him or her, and you must do these things and not these other things.
There are only three really good useful laws, basically do not hurt or steal or kill. All the rest of it is a load of bollocks.
You might want to consider meditating, or yoga.
I think I have said enough for the time being. I am going to have a piss, then make myself another cup of tea, and then after that I am going to go out and possibly do a bit of grafitti and visit my friend and have a nice conversation about life.
tonypeterlaing 